Filling Our “Emotional” Voids
But what does that mean because really a void is just a void...
Right?
So how and why did we ever begin to categorize them?
It’s mainly because we have been taught that if any part of our lives doesn’t look and feel like the majority of that of our peers that we are in fact missing something…
So if we never knew our mother, we are missing “a mother’s love” and categorize it as a specific void.
If our father was never involved in our lives, we are experiencing a “father’s absence” and categorize it as a specific void.
If we don’t have friends or a “best friend”, we categorize that as a void.
If we don’t have a spouse or a significant other, we categorize that as a type of void and we then determine that we are missing out on a certain type of love.
All of these then become “voids” that we look to “fill”.
When we “fill” them, we assign titles to each one and we then have what we know of as relationship titles. As a result, all of these specific types of relationships are what we have become conditioned to believe that we need in order to be happy. We are also told that if we are missing out on any of these types of relationships in our lives that it somehow takes away our value as a person who is worthy of love and respect.
Now I know that many may not agree with my assertion that one can be totally well mentally and emotionally without the love of a mother, father, friends, or a significant other, but, please don’t misunderstand me. My point is that even though the absence of these relationships can in fact have a very real impact on the way we feel about ourselves and the way that we learn to interact with others, that does not in any way mean that we absolutely cannot survive without them or that we cannot be healthy without them.
Now don’t get me wrong, there have been all types of empirically based research studies conducted which prove that we do in fact thrive from our interactions in healthy relationships with our parents, friends, and significant others. However, to imply that not having these relationships defines a person as good, bad, or unworthy is a problem. It is especially a problem when none of us can control the will of another when it comes to the start and maintenance of a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships must be comprised of willful individuals who are both committed.
Consider the following…
There are many children who grow up neglected, abused, and abandoned. Should their worth be determined as less than because a parent didn’t act as such and did not nurture the parent to child relationship?
There are many people who may have never had a “best friend” or a group of many friends, does that mean that they are worth less as people simply because they aren’t as popular or sociable as society says that they should be?
Also, there are many people who are single, some by choice and some not. But should their worth be determined by whether or not they have a significant other? Are their contributions to the world worth less than one who is married or in a committed relationship?
It is without a doubt that all of our relationships in some way validate us, but the question is...
How many of us are able to see our own worth without the need of having to have that worth validated by another person?
We spend so much time seeking validation of our worth in this life from others, that we do not realize that from the moment we enter life on this earth, our purpose in life has little to do with seeking validation from others and everything to do with working to leave the world in a better place than what we found it. Also, we spend a lot of time defining our voids and trying to fill them based on society’s rules of who should specifically fill those voids. As a result, we neglect to take notice of the love from others around us.
The real truth is that not everyone is going to love you and yes that might even include people we consider family. The other reality is that we often miss out on the love that we truly need in order to chase after the love that we think we need.
The love that we think we need is usually the love that we have been programmed to believe we are worthless without.
Don’t miss the love that is already around you waiting to fill you because you are focused on filling voids from what you think you are missing.
Honestly, despite what society tries to tell us about what relationships should look like and the type of love that we should seek to obtain in our lives, relationships rarely ever fit the mold of our compartmentalized voids. And even more importantly, sharing loving relationships with others is most successful only when we’ve first discovered how to love ourselves. Love for self is the foundation that must first be laid before we begin to love anyone else. Self-love assures that we don’t attempt to fill the voids in our lives with unhealthy relationships and that we can recognize genuine love even if it doesn’t look the way that we are often taught that it should.
But no matter what….
If you feel you have a void in your life of some kind, fill it with the right kind of foundational love.
Love of God, love for self, and then make room for love with others.
A. L. Hearn